The scene: a television studio in Burbank, California. The audience listens in amazement as psychic John Edward relays messages from the other side.
JOHN EDWARD: …and so, Steve, Larry says that just because he’s dead, don’t think you don’t still owe him that 20 bucks.
STEVE: God dammit.
JOHN EDWARD: Larry says that can be arranged.
STEVE: *slinks away*
The audience claps.
JOHN EDWARD: Thanks, Steve. I’d get to confession if I were you. OK, I’m sensing another spirit now… Wow, this is a cantankerous one. Is there a basketball fan in the audience? Baseball, maybe? How about football?
NAVY FAN: *raises hand* Uh, I like football.
JOHN EDWARD: I knew it! Are you a Giants fan? Raiders? Bengals?
NAVY FAN: Uh…
JOHN EDWARD: College, maybe? Northwestern? East Carolina?
NAVY FAN: I like Navy.
JOHN EDWARD: Of course, they all wear Navy blue! Nailed that one too!
The audience gasps in amazement.
NAVY FAN: Don’t Northwestern and ECU wear purp…
JOHN EDWARD: *cutting him off* So, Northwestern fan,
NAVY FAN: Navy.
JOHN EDWARD: So, Navy fan, have you lost someone close to you recently?
NAVY FAN: No.
JOHN EDWARD: Are you sure? No friends, relatives?
NAVY FAN: No.
JOHN EDWARD: How about not so recently? Maybe in the past year? 10 years?
NAVY FAN: Nope.
JOHN EDWARD: *annoyed* You’re telling me you’re never lost anyone?
NAVY FAN: Well, there is one person…
JOHN EDWARD: I knew it!
The audience applauds.
NAVY FAN: But I doubt…
BOOMING, DISTANT VOICE: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
A bright light appears onstage, accompanied by a roar of thunder. The room shakes. Smoke begins to billow from the floor. A ghostly figure emerges.
GHOST OF PJ: BOO, SUCKAZ.
The audience screams.
NAVY FAN: HOLY CRAP!
JOHN EDWARD: WTF YOU’RE REAL??!
GHOST OF PJ: OF COURSE I’M REAL YOU QUACK. BUT WAITING FOR YOU TO COME AROUND TO THE RIGHT ANSWER TAKES FOREVER EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE. I’M TAKING MATTERS INTO MY OWN INCORPOREAL HANDS.
NAVY FAN: Wait, how are you a ghost? You’re still alive.
GHOST OF PJ: NOT TO YOU I’M NOT. YOU’VE BEEN MOURNING MY LOSS FOR TWO YEARS. IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE THE %$#! ON. I SURE AS HELL HAVE.
JOHN EDWARD: And you came on my show to tell him this? I’m awesome!
GHOST OF PJ: SHUT YOUR LIE HOLE, DINGLEBERRY. I WANTED JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT TO TALK FOR ME, BUT THE GHOST WHISPERER PRODUCERS DIDN’T LIKE MY SCRIPT.
NAVY FAN: Bummer.
GHOST OF PJ: TELL ME ABOUT IT.
NAVY FAN: But how can I move on? Things just aren’t the same without you.
GHOST OF PJ: WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DO YOU NOT HAVE WINNING SEASONS, BOWL GAMES, AND THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF’S TROPHY?
NAVY FAN: Well yeah, but…
GHOST OF PJ: BUT WHAT? DID I EVER WIN GAMES OVER TOP 25 TEAMS IN BACK-TO-BACK SEASONS? DID I EVER WIN BACK-TO-BACK GAMES OVER BCS TEAMS?
NAVY FAN: Well, no. But Temple. We lost to Temple!
GHOST OF PJ: AND I LOST TO DELAWARE. TWICE. HELL, WE WERE A GNAT’S ASS FROM LOSING TO UMASS, NORTHEASTERN, RICE, AND NORTH TEXAS, TOO. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO WIN FOOTBALL GAMES? EVEN AT GEORGIA TECH? SERIOUSLY.
NAVY FAN: But it’s how we lost, Coach. The offense… It’s too conservative. We didn’t get the ball to the slotbacks enough, and we hardly threw at all. And we called a quarterback sneak on 4th & 1! Everyone knew it was coming.
GHOST OF PJ: DO YOU WANT A LESS CONSERVATIVE OFFENSE, OR DO YOU WANT TO WIN? THE A-BACKS AND WIDE RECEIVERS HAD 8 CARRIES AGAINST TEMPLE. AGAINST NOTRE DAME THEY ONLY HAD 6! AND RICKY ONLY THREW THREE TIMES. THE THREE QUARTERBACK SNEAKS NAVY RAN GOT THEM TWO FIRST DOWNS AND A TOUCHDOWN. I BET YOU LIKED THAT GAME, DIDN’T YOU? YOU THINK MAYBE THE COACHES KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING?
NAVY FAN: I guess…
GHOST OF PJ: YOU GUESS? THE HELL YOU DO. YOU KNOW, MORON. THEY DON’T GO DOWN TO MCDONALD’S AND START SECOND-GUESSING YOUR JOB, SO YOU OUGHT TO LEAVE THEM ALONE. I CALLED A QB SNEAK ON 4TH & 1 AGAINST WAKE FOREST ON SATURDAY. YOU WANNA TELL ME HOW CLUELESS I AM?
NAVY FAN: Well, no…
GHOST OF PJ: DAMN STRAIGHT. YOU’D BE KISSING MY SUPERNATURAL BUTT ON CITY DOCK.
NAVY FAN: But you really opened things up in 2007!
GHOST OF PJ: YOU THINK I WANTED TO? DID YOU SEE THE DEFENSE IN 2007? IF WE DIDN’T SCORE ON EVERY DRIVE, WE’D LOSE. THAT 2007 DEFENSE STILL HAUNTS ME, AND I’M A FREAKING GHOST.
NAVY FAN: Wow, I really had no idea.
GHOST OF PJ: STOP TELLING ME THINGS I ALREADY KNOW. BETTER FIGURE IT OUT SOON, THOUGH. I’M SICK OF PEOPLE CALLING MY NAME LIKE I’M THE CANDYMAN OR SOMETHING. IF YOU DON’T REALIZE HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT, SOME OTHER COLLEGE PROGRAM WILL SOON ENOUGH.
DISTANT, BOOMING VOICE OF THE FUTURE GHOST OF IVIN JASPER: YOU TELL ‘EM, COACH.