CROSSING OVER

The scene: a television studio in Burbank, California. The audience listens in amazement as psychic John Edward relays messages from the other side.

JOHN EDWARD: …and so, Steve, Larry says that just because he’s dead, don’t think you don’t still owe him that 20 bucks.

STEVE: God dammit.

JOHN EDWARD: Larry says that can be arranged.

STEVE: *slinks away*

The audience claps.

JOHN EDWARD: Thanks, Steve. I’d get to confession if I were you. OK, I’m sensing another spirit now… Wow, this is a cantankerous one. Is there a basketball fan in the audience? Baseball, maybe? How about football?

NAVY FAN: *raises hand* Uh, I like football.

JOHN EDWARD: I knew it! Are you a Giants fan? Raiders? Bengals?

NAVY FAN: Uh…

JOHN EDWARD: College, maybe? Northwestern? East Carolina?

NAVY FAN: I like Navy.

JOHN EDWARD: Of course, they all wear Navy blue! Nailed that one too!

The audience gasps in amazement.

NAVY FAN: Don’t Northwestern and ECU wear purp…

JOHN EDWARD: *cutting him off* So, Northwestern fan,

NAVY FAN: Navy.

JOHN EDWARD: So, Navy fan, have you lost someone close to you recently?

NAVY FAN: No.

JOHN EDWARD: Are you sure? No friends, relatives?

NAVY FAN: No.

JOHN EDWARD: How about not so recently? Maybe in the past year? 10 years?

NAVY FAN: Nope.

JOHN EDWARD: *annoyed* You’re telling me you’re never lost anyone?

NAVY FAN: Well, there is one person…

JOHN EDWARD: I knew it!

The audience applauds.

NAVY FAN: But I doubt…

BOOMING, DISTANT VOICE: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

A bright light appears onstage, accompanied by a roar of thunder. The room shakes. Smoke begins to billow from the floor. A ghostly figure emerges. 

GHOST OF PJ: BOO, SUCKAZ.

The audience screams.

NAVY FAN: HOLY CRAP!

JOHN EDWARD: WTF YOU’RE REAL??!

GHOST OF PJ: OF COURSE I’M REAL YOU QUACK. BUT WAITING FOR YOU TO COME AROUND TO THE RIGHT ANSWER TAKES FOREVER EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE. I’M TAKING MATTERS INTO MY OWN INCORPOREAL HANDS.

NAVY FAN: Wait, how are you a ghost? You’re still alive.

GHOST OF PJ: NOT TO YOU I’M NOT. YOU’VE BEEN MOURNING MY LOSS FOR TWO YEARS. IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE THE %$#! ON. I SURE AS HELL HAVE.

JOHN EDWARD: And you came on my show to tell him this? I’m awesome!

GHOST OF PJ: SHUT YOUR LIE HOLE, DINGLEBERRY. I WANTED JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT TO TALK FOR ME, BUT THE GHOST WHISPERER PRODUCERS DIDN’T LIKE MY SCRIPT.

NAVY FAN: Bummer.

GHOST OF PJ: TELL ME ABOUT IT.

NAVY FAN: But how can I move on? Things just aren’t the same without you.

GHOST OF PJ: WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DO YOU NOT HAVE WINNING SEASONS, BOWL GAMES, AND THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF’S TROPHY?

NAVY FAN: Well yeah, but…

GHOST OF PJ: BUT WHAT? DID I EVER WIN GAMES OVER TOP 25 TEAMS IN BACK-TO-BACK SEASONS? DID I EVER WIN BACK-TO-BACK GAMES OVER BCS TEAMS?

NAVY FAN: Well, no. But Temple. We lost to Temple!

GHOST OF PJ: AND I LOST TO DELAWARE. TWICE. HELL, WE WERE A GNAT’S ASS FROM LOSING TO UMASS, NORTHEASTERN, RICE, AND NORTH TEXAS, TOO. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO WIN FOOTBALL GAMES? EVEN AT GEORGIA TECH? SERIOUSLY.

NAVY FAN: But it’s how we lost, Coach. The offense… It’s too conservative. We didn’t get the ball to the slotbacks enough, and we hardly threw at all. And we called a quarterback sneak on 4th & 1! Everyone knew it was coming.

GHOST OF PJ: DO YOU WANT A LESS CONSERVATIVE OFFENSE, OR DO YOU WANT TO WIN? THE A-BACKS AND WIDE RECEIVERS HAD 8 CARRIES AGAINST TEMPLE. AGAINST NOTRE DAME THEY ONLY HAD 6! AND RICKY ONLY THREW THREE TIMES. THE THREE QUARTERBACK SNEAKS NAVY RAN GOT THEM TWO FIRST DOWNS AND A TOUCHDOWN. I BET YOU LIKED THAT GAME, DIDN’T YOU? YOU THINK MAYBE THE COACHES KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING?

NAVY FAN: I guess…

GHOST OF PJ: YOU GUESS? THE HELL YOU DO. YOU KNOW, MORON. THEY DON’T GO DOWN TO MCDONALD’S AND START SECOND-GUESSING YOUR JOB, SO YOU OUGHT TO LEAVE THEM ALONE. I CALLED A QB SNEAK ON 4TH & 1 AGAINST WAKE FOREST ON SATURDAY. YOU WANNA TELL ME HOW CLUELESS I AM?

NAVY FAN: Well, no…

GHOST OF PJ: DAMN STRAIGHT. YOU’D BE KISSING MY SUPERNATURAL BUTT ON CITY DOCK.

NAVY FAN: But you really opened things up in 2007!

GHOST OF PJ: YOU THINK I WANTED TO? DID YOU SEE THE DEFENSE IN 2007? IF WE DIDN’T SCORE ON EVERY DRIVE, WE’D LOSE. THAT 2007 DEFENSE STILL HAUNTS ME, AND I’M A FREAKING GHOST.

NAVY FAN: Wow, I really had no idea.

GHOST OF PJ: STOP TELLING ME THINGS I ALREADY KNOW. BETTER FIGURE IT OUT SOON, THOUGH. I’M SICK OF PEOPLE CALLING MY NAME LIKE I’M THE CANDYMAN OR SOMETHING. IF YOU DON’T REALIZE HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT, SOME OTHER COLLEGE PROGRAM WILL SOON ENOUGH.

DISTANT, BOOMING VOICE OF THE FUTURE GHOST OF IVIN JASPER: YOU TELL ‘EM, COACH.

 

Advertisements

45 Responses

  1. “starts a slow clap*

  2. Mike – I thought I was hiped up after the ND game until I read this post! You’ve got to cut down on the caffeine.

    I think you made your point this time – but that won’t change the comments you get after each game’s breakdown. Speaking of which, when can we expect that post? It’s Monday afternoon already!

  3. epic

  4. Mike, you made me dead wrong for the first time in a long time. I thought John Edward was a menace and a useless human being but you managed to use him to make a great point.

  5. You know this is going viral.

  6. McDonald’s reference, classic!

  7. EL
    F – ING
    OH
    FREAKING
    EL

    Don’t think it’ll stop the ranters, but i loved it!

  8. Huh-Lair-ee-us.

  9. GHOST OF PJ:

    NOW WE’LL GET BACK TO TRIPLE DIGIT REPLIES!

  10. I can see the ghost of PJ dissipating as he crosses over to the other side. Your chant….(or rather rant) has worked its magic! Ok…that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part, but maybe Navy’s first 11 win season (knock on wood) will drive a stake through its heart.

    Regardless, I’ve gotten used to rolling my eyes listening to ghost stories about the infallible PJ. The future ghost of Jasper however does make we wake up in cold sweats!

  11. now, …can you reach out to Bildy ?

  12. BZ, this was awesome! Making IJ the ghost of coach future almost had a Dickensian feel to it. Would love to see that encounter with Navy Fan quivering at the grave.

  13. Mike …..YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!

  14. Mike,

    Thanks for gettin my girl JLH in there. ( Let’s see, that’s one less degree of separation. )

  15. You’ve lost it dude. funny as &%$#. Thanks for the hard laughs.

  16. dammit Mike! I still think IJ should have let Proctor throw a couple of more times against Temple…

  17. This didn’t really happen? I guess I should have known with the Mcdonald’s reference. What percentage of grads work at Mcdonald’s? Now Chic-fil-a….

  18. South Park did a parody of John Edward too. Hilarious.

  19. Coach Ken: I would have never gone for it on 4th and 1 down by 3 in OT.

    Ghost of PJ: You went for it on 4th and goal in a tie game against the mighty ND. You ran a toss sweep on 3rd and long while nursing a lead.

    Coach Ken: My bad.

  20. I initially had no idea where you were going with this.
    Funny as hell. The “PJ would have found a way” crowd should be forced to watch the film of Uzelac and Chaump era when was Navy 22-66 on an endless loop. They have no idea or have lost perspective about what a great time it is to be a Navy fan. I don’t need to be reminded… I get to see Army.

  21. Enough of PJ already.

  22. Mike,

    Clever piece. Call me clueless, but I had never heard of the John Edward dude. You made your point, but I was lost in the weeds for

    Some just don’t seem to appreciate how good we have it. All those close losses to ND, the miserable seasons under Uzelac and Chaump, the hideous last two years of Wetherbie, the inability to beat Air Force for the better part of two decades…all that stuff makes me appreciate this run all the more fun.

    The parable of the sparrow with frozen wings very much applies here.

  23. Shinola– If that was directed at me, then you reeeeeeeally missed the point.

  24. Chet brought in PJ to rebuild the foundation and organization, set the sails (offense) and steady the recruiting course; now Navy will continue to get better and better as Kenny and crew further mature as head coach and staff. I for one absolutely love the program…may we never lose to AFA again.

  25. Genius…

  26. DaveC – If we adopt the AFA way of thinking, you will get your wish. Every game will either be a win or an effective win!

  27. Ironically, I think it was a Notre Dame fan that first dropped the “effective score” phrase after last year’s game.

  28. What was the “effective score again”? Is that where you don’t count defensive TD’s, special teams TD’s and broken plays? Seriously, I want to be on the same page.

  29. Mike, entertaining as usual but maybe you should have used the metaphor that KNe used yesterday on the John Thompson radio show when he compared PJ to Yoda and he and IJ as Jedi Knights

  30. Awesome post. Yes, it probably took someone of PJ’s chutzpah to bring Navy back, but KN is a great game coach and Navy it great with him. Ditto for Jasper. (Of course, we’re just glad to have PJ to bring GT back from the Gailey years!)

    In all seriousness, though, when do some schools start making a run at the spread option tree of coaches? Not just KN, but Jasper, Bohannon at GT, etc. I could see it happening. Who do you see as the first candidate to lure someone away?

  31. Is it just me or did anyone else notice how our coaches get smarter on their play calling the week after we win a game in which we were the underdog as compared to their play calling the week after we lose a game?

  32. John Edward? lololol. Very entertaining.

  33. Dave – I though this week was all about “scheming”!

  34. So, wait – this doesn’t count as the ND review, does it?

  35. Come on now.

  36. Sorry. I got a little worried. I was afraid all the thunder stealing in the thread angered you.

  37. NOW I can finally throat punch the next GaTech lover?

  38. Mike, not directed at you. I get it. I’m just tired of hearing about PJ.

  39. Awesomeness abounds.

  40. well we won’t be hearing from “anonymous” anymore.

  41. This was pretty funny, but Paul Johnson would have done a better job with the subject matter. The Birddog was much to conservative with his jokes; he really should have given the punch line to the Navy Fan more often.

  42. what did anon do?

  43. I have no idea who or what Bird Dog is, or who does it, but speaking as an old Air Force guy who now lives and dies, now mostly lives, with Georgia Tech (though my heart had to be jump started after that Wake Forest OT) you Navy fans are really fortunate to have someone with the interest and the knowledge to riff on Navy football and the spread option. We should be so lucky at Ga. Tech. And for those couple of posts who said they were tired of hearing about Paul Johnson, well. I thought that was the whole point of the piece. “Yoda” may be live and well, but the Jedi Knights are just fine. p.s. please don’t punch me in the throat. I believe that might hurt, even coming from a Navy guy.

  44. DJ had a great spin-off! LOL the whole time.

    And I thought anon was just being a smart ass! I guess if you get too cute on the Birddog you might end being ba

  45. I was “anon”, inadvertently because I was on a differenct PC when I wrote the comment, and, yes, I was being a smart ass.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: