STOCK DOWN: Life. It is cruel. It is filled with stubbed toes and people who cut you off on the freeway. It gives you wonderful things like strawberry milkshakes and carne asada burritos but then makes you fat if you eat them. It is the monster that created Ke$ha and the designated hitter and automatic transmissions. It sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it.
STOCK DOWN: October. What a wimpy-ass month. It can’t bring the heat like August, and it doesn’t have steel to deliver the harsh iciness of December. It’s boring. It’s milquetoast. It’s as spineless as a Conference USA referee.
STOCK DOWN: Flowers. Why do we tolerate things that do nothing but cause allergies and attract stinging insects? Because of the pretty colors? I’ve had pretty red scabs and pretty purple bruises, but nobody’s stopping to smell those.
STOCK DOWN: Washington DC. Every bad decision that the government has ever had? Yeah, it came from this place. How many baseball teams does it have to drive away before people realize how much it sucks? Have you ever tried to park there? They stack 4 signs on top of each other to confuse you into thinking you’re allowed to park somewhere when you really aren’t allowed to park anywhere because the city’s budget is funded entirely by parking ticket revenue. Yeah, like I really wanted to spend my Christmas in Washington.
STOCK DOWN: The letter C. Utterly redundant. It does nothing that K or S can’t handle. Its existence is probably because of some conspiracy by the ink and paper lobby to make books longer. We should all have learned our ABDs, but big business forced C on us. OCCUPY THE ALPHABET.
STOCK DOWN: MY TV. WHY? WHY MUST YOU DELIVER IMAGES OF ANGUISH AND DESPAIR INTO MY HOME?
STOCK DOWN: Puppies. Who the hell wants some hairy mess that turns kibble into poop if it doesn’t even know how to fetch my slippers yet? Yeah, they’re so adorable. As adorable as vet bills and carpet cleaning and hours and hours of training. Get back in your kennel, Fido.